My Finest Crush
by Ladywilde
Summary: Hedwig in self imposed exile Chpt 2 is up! Please read and review.
1. The Awesome Power of It

My Finest Crush

Hedwig in self imposed exiled ------ 

It had been Hedwig's decision to seek refuge out in the country – far from the throngs of fans – all eager for a piece – from the reporters – and the gossip – life in all it's unpleasantness – no it was perhaps for the best – to go away and become some recluse- let them speculate – let them dream – who was Hedwig – Why when she suddenly shot her way to fame – did she throw it all away and go into hiding –

The answer was simple – there was nothing left to do –

Become a rock star – check

Find other half – check

Achieve international fame – check

Hedwig was tired and she was bored and if truth be told she did not want to be Hedwig anymore – she / he wanted to be Hansel again – in the stillness of this quiet old house – there were no wigs and no glitter and no heartache.

Hansel sat by himself and wrote songs ----

_My finest crush – my beautiful boy_

_Look what you made me do_

_All mascara wear_

_The art of the tear_

_My finest crush – are we yet gone?_

Oh yes, the words and the music just came out and in every song was the sketch of that boys face.

Fuckin' Tommy Gnosis – why could he not be tossed aside and forgotten why did his face haunt every dream; every line put down of paper.

Hansel sat in the corner of a particularly large room. A bottle of strong red wine by his feet and the ever-present notebook filled with scrawls of a doomed love affair. It was Hansel's heart bared open – bleeding and sore.

The room had only a blanket and a huge chandelier. It was cold in there and yet the cold did not matter. The gooseflesh was fine – his body and his soul and the ache they both felt were another matter entirely.

The sound of footsteps caused him to look up and standing there was his only servant. A discreet man by the name of Paul dressed in jeans and a heavy sweater. His boyish face a mask of complete competence and self-assurance. He was Hansel's lover when such a need arose and it meant little to either. Sex had become nothing more then another task like eating and sleeping. It was just there.

"I think you should come see something." Paul said in a slightly accented voice. His dark hair and eyes suggest Spain or something similar and yet his accent was British.

Hansel sipped at the wine and closed the notebook and leaned into the wall as if he was drained of all strength.

" See what – I am perfectly marvelous right in this corner."

" No… this is important."

"So is this?" Hansel said closing his eyes and feeling the sadness settle even deeper into already weary bones.

"It's about Tommy." He said. Hansel sat up and opened his eyes.

"What about Tommy?" He demanded hating how desperate he sounded and then he saw the look in Paul's eyes there was fear there and it was then that Hansel knew what this was about. His heart broke and he leaned forward and rested his forehead upon his knees.

"I am sorry." Paul said.

"Just leave…" came the low moan of Hansel's agony.

"It's all over the news." Paul said and then he turned and left, the sound of his footsteps echoing down the long corridor.

Hansel looked up at the darkening room – the shadows playing along the walls. His heart felt alive and bleeding inside him and he wanted to reach out across time and space and pull Tommy back to him. He wanted to eat him and devour him and have him live on inside him. He wanted them to be whole.

_My finest crush – my beautiful boy_

_Look what you made me do…_

He hummed along the words – feeling them form on lips that felt alien to him.

He slammed his head against the wall – the plaster giving away and out of his throat came a scream – one of raw pain – it surged forth and echoed across the empty house and hung there as if it was suddenly alive and waiting and then he was sobbing.

It was only then that came the realization – the truth – Tommy was dead.

Finite.

Gone.

All that was left was memory and the awesome pain that came with it.


	2. A Love Story A Brewing

My Finest Crush

Chapter 2

A Love Story A-Brewing

_Here is the second chapter. As always reviews are always welcomed. Thank you for reading._

So, it was much later when Hansel arose from the corner in which he had sat for many hours He rose on week knees and made his way on silent bare feet to the kitchen at the end of the house.

All was quiet except for the faint howls of wind that blew through the long hallways and chilled his skin.

In the kitchen there was silence and the welcome allure of a fresh bottle of booze. Hansel took hold of the whisky and took slow methodical sips. The liquid was hot hell as it burned down his throat and deep into the bowels of his belly. It sat there and began to spread; adding soothing warmth to what was an impossible situation to grasp. Death, the final curtain, it was an impossibility growing realer by the moment and the pain of it was all sharp hooks and brutal knives. There was only darkness around him. The moon did not even dare penetrate the curtains. The night and its darkness – mirrored the well of pain that consumed Hansel. He could not breathe; half of him was dead and gone now. Yes, his other half and his sworn enemy both the same boy with one face and two terrible moods. The love of his life was a terrible boy, a nothing boy who he himself had named Tommy Gnosis – and in so doing had created a rock and roll demigod.

There was also a small TV. in this kitchen and it was now that Hansel reached across the table at which he sat and switched it on. He sipped from the bottle with little thought as he flicked through the channels till he found a late night news program..

_Rock and Roll Icon Tommy Gnosis 25 died today of a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. Police are still investigating however, friends of the fallen star have commented that Gnosis had been distraught since his relationship with transsexual rock goddess Hedwig Robinson came to light early this year, when it was proven that Robinson had written many of Gnosis popular singles including the international hit Origin of Love._

And on and on the whiny voiced news lady droned. Hansel had heard enough. He reached over and switched the TV set off and put his head upon the table.

The sorrow he felt was a raw, electric mass ripping up veins and ligaments and burying itself deep in his belly – were it turned on itself and festered. The pain was so awesome and huge it dwarfed all other tragedies and ills of Hansel complicated life. Why had he done it? Why the betrayal? Why did he just give in and give up without saying goodbye?

He thought back to a time when he and Tommy had been in love.. He felt like an outsiders as he looked back into his memories to spy on Hedwig and Tommy lying side by side on Hedwig's small bed. Their arms wrapped around one another. The air around them perfumed with the scent of musky perfume and vanilla incense.

"Your hair smells like youth." Hansel saw Hedwig's mouth say. The cherry red lips moist and hot in the ear of her young lover, her long brilliantly hued nails thick as thieves curving up around the edge of Tommy's jeans and the young boy's mouth, a small O of pleasure replying in the softest of moans.

"Hedwig… Hedwig." His voice had whispered over and over again – till the words were a mere chant and they dissolved into one another – searing and meshing their very souls into one complete being. It had been only a moment - but it had been beautiful.

I may not be whole but I am whole – became Hedwig's mantra and it was all because of Tommy. It was all for the love of a boy.

But, as Hansel knew now looking back, He realized that they were never meant to be. He should have known back then when he was determined to become the woman that everyone wanted him to be – that he would fail. The charade could only be kept up for so long and one day there would be only the ruin of a half lived life. He had known this but even still he had never imagined that it would be destroyed over the love of a simple teenage boy. A sweet innocent boy with huge eyes and a nervous laugh who he had taken under his wing and molded for greatness only to be rewarded – with lies and betrayal and down right robbery.

Yet, now even still, after it all was said and done. The love was there and it was mocking at the woman Hansel had tried to become.

It said:

_Silly girl wanting the impossible, what young boy could love you… you have nothing to give._

What would Hedwig do? Would Hedwig rise from the pain of this loss decked about in the paint and the sequins – the feathers and furs and the attitude? Would she think that now even still after Tommy had done the unspeakable that she would carry on the war she had waged with the thieving child/boy she had once mentored and loved? Who was the one who lived and breathed it? Brought over from communist Germany?

Or were all bets off?

Now that the boy was dead and all that was left was the ruined remains of a bleeding heart.

"Somehow we were supposed to come together again," Hansel whispered to the near empty bottle beside him.

"My Finest Crush – My beautiful boy." He sang in a throaty voice, raw with pain and liquor.

"Must – I come back now – make some music and tell them our story." He whispered to the silence around him. In the dark of this room, he felt a small breeze at his back and with it the awesome presence of someone.

_Tommy?_

The answer was clear; it had been spoken straight from the mouth of that child/boy who had with his huge dark eyes destroyed rock and roll.

Hansel nodded to himself and stood, his feet unsteady. "Yes that is it beautiful boy – I must tell our tale – all of it – through the rock and the roll – the music and I must bring back Hedwig – the woman who loved you."

The silence was of the eerie kind, and Hansel was sure now that it was in fact Tommy listening in among the shadows, nodding in agreement.

"My finest crush – my beautiful boy – Do you know what you have done to me?" – Hansel sang softly to himself as he stumbled down the hall towards the telephone. He needed his band now – He prayed that they would come and help him.


End file.
